Greetings idiot, and welcome to football.
You’ll soon find that many here share your foolish open mouthed expression, and your love of Lynx Africa.
To understand football, you should read this handy guide, or like anybody who has taken psychology: read the first page and claim you are a certain expert on the topic.
So what do you need to know? Well I’ll tell you, although you might wish to start breathing through your nose first.
1. Money is key: support a team with lots of it. If your team has lots of money make sure you praise your billionaire chairman at every opportunity.
Hail his absurd decisions, let him change your clubs name, maybe offer to feed him grapes. Keep him happy, at all costs.
2. Get angry: if you can’t overreact to a contentious refereeing decision then football doesn’t want you.
If you aren’t furious when you hear who is the referee on Saturday, then quite frankly you’re wrong and you need to start kicking people as soon as possible to remedy this.
Throw coins at injured players too, as you want them to really suffer.
3. Listen to the experts: watch Soccer Am, as it’s full of classic bants. Be sure to follow Piers Morgan on twitter. He knows more about football than anyone. Maybe dress up as Tubes to impress your new football friends. Steal tweets from experts and claim them as your own.
4. Try and upset sensitive people: it is not enough to just see your wealthy team win, in an ideal world you also want to make someone weaker than you cry.
If a young fan has written a blog post that you slightly disagree with then be sure to swiftly contact him to call him a “fucking idiotic shit stain” and at least question whether his parents wanted him.
Maybe scream at families who go to the game too, as making people around you feel uncomfortable is your job.
5. Get involved: go and stand outside your clubs training ground. Not just on transfer deadline day, but everyday.
Pretty sure eventually you’ll get a chance to play and be discovered. Also wear your full kit to every game; just in case.
Well done, if you didn’t choke on your man crisps whilst reading that you now know all that you need to about the game of football.