Huge transfer exclusive

Oh, so that’s why people read these things.

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Football & celebrity: it’s going in One Direction

Louis Tomlinson, whose name means very little to me, played twenty minutes or so for Doncaster Rovers yesterday. So far, so what ?

Well according to some furious people, who get really angry about the music that teenage girls like, he’s a popstar and it makes a mockery of the game.

“He’s not a footballer” screams an adolescent male, who seems to think that football is an exclusive club to which, only people he approves of are invited.

Personally I think it’s an absolutely cracking thing for all involved. Tomlinson gets a chance to play for the team he supports. He raises the profile of said team, and a lot of money goes to charity. It’s an absolute win win, and nobody gets hurt in the process.

Football and celebrity now go hand in hand, and to get upset about a pop star, who comes across as a pleasant enough sort of chap, being involved in the game just confuses me.

The men shaking their heads, and muttering their fury about the music that teenage girls enjoy just befuddles me further.

If you don’t like proper music, then you’re an idiot seems to be the message they’re peddling. How dare these young girls have any excitement in their lives seems to be the other.

If there’s one thing worse than a small minded football fan, it’s a music snob. This story brings out the very worst in both.

In the future many smaller clubs are likely to be hugely reliant on stunts like this, as young fans gravitate towards supporting the giant forces in the game, so I’d suggest that we got used to this sort of thing.

I personally cannot wait for Darius to get 15 minutes late on in the Merseyside derby.

A day in the life of a football manager

During breakfast (shredded wheat) the phone rings at the home of recently appointed Slipshod City manager Ron Glish.

“Hello Ron, it’s Hugh Jass here, I represent the oligarch who’s just bought Ridiculously rich United”

“Hello Hugh, you old slag, how’s that fat wife of yours?”

“She left me Ron”

“Oh I’m very sorry, I must think before asking an offensive question”

“Never mind, anyway I know you were only appointed to the slipshod job yesterday, but my boss was wondering if you’d like to take charge at United, he’ll pay you big money”

“I’ll do it”

“Great, I’ll fax over the contract and inform the media”

“Hooray, oh hang on I don’t own a fax machine”

“Ah now there we have an issue, as we can’t get the contract to you, and we’ve already announced that you’ll be taking over to the media”

“I don’t follow, Hugh”

“Well the owner doesn’t want a manager who doesn’t have a fax machine”

“It’s the 21st century, Hugh”

“It’s off Ron, we’ve announced your sacking, and already appointed your successor at Slipshod”

“Ah, fair fucks, bye Hugh”

For the rest of the day Ron attempts to find some batteries for his big torch.

An idiots guide to football.

Greetings idiot, and welcome to football.

You’ll soon find that many here share your foolish open mouthed expression, and your love of Lynx Africa.

To understand football, you should read this handy guide, or like anybody who has taken psychology: read the first page and claim you are a certain expert on the topic.

So what do you need to know? Well I’ll tell you, although you might wish to start breathing through your nose first.

1. Money is key: support a team with lots of it. If your team has lots of money make sure you praise your billionaire chairman at every opportunity.

Hail his absurd decisions, let him change your clubs name, maybe offer to feed him grapes. Keep him happy, at all costs.

2. Get angry: if you can’t overreact to a contentious refereeing decision then football doesn’t want you.

If you aren’t furious when you hear who is the referee on Saturday, then quite frankly you’re wrong and you need to start kicking people as soon as possible to remedy this.

Throw coins at injured players too, as you want them to really suffer.

3. Listen to the experts: watch Soccer Am, as it’s full of classic bants. Be sure to follow Piers Morgan on twitter. He knows more about football than anyone. Maybe dress up as Tubes to impress your new football friends. Steal tweets from experts and claim them as your own.

4. Try and upset sensitive people: it is not enough to just see your wealthy team win, in an ideal world you also want to make someone weaker than you cry.

If a young fan has written a blog post that you slightly disagree with then be sure to swiftly contact him to call him a “fucking idiotic shit stain” and at least question whether his parents wanted him.
Maybe scream at families who go to the game too, as making people around you feel uncomfortable is your job.

5. Get involved: go and stand outside your clubs training ground. Not just on transfer deadline day, but everyday.

Pretty sure eventually you’ll get a chance to play and be discovered. Also wear your full kit to every game; just in case.

Well done, if you didn’t choke on your man crisps whilst reading that you now know all that you need to about the game of football.