What does David Beckham have in common with Royal Mail? They’re both getting fucked by Tories.

That’s right, a privatisation joke, because that’s the opposite of nationalisation. Which is in fact the wrong word entirely to describe somebody being Nationalised. But when you go to the trouble of making up a joke, why let things like the correct word get in your way. This is the closest I’m going to get to newspaper journalism.

So, becoming nationalised, it seems to be the big talking point ever since Roy Hodgson was asked about young Adnan Januzaj. It’s not the first time of course. England have been wank for so long that players as ridiculous as Manuel Almunia have been suggested by virtue of living here ages and not being good enough to get a cap for their own country. Arteta is a slightly different kettle of paella as he’s actually pretty decent, but he gets vetoed for having beautiful hair and some kind of possession obsession – not exactly going to fit in around here.

Of course in Rugby and Cricket you pick a team in much the same way as you would when playing Drinking Rules Fifa. You get 3 picks with the randomize button, you don’t have to use all 3, but once you do you’re stuck.

A few suggestions have been made for criteria for becoming Nationalised, but to me the best would be that when a player reaches the age of 18 he comes before a selection panel who will decide for him. This panel won’t be a group of his peers, experts in their field, or even particularly wise. Instead we should get a bunch of old bigots (from different nations – equality is important) and they can pick which country the player looks like he should be from.

Sounds ridiculous right? Almost as bad as hosting a World Cup in a country so hot it would melt the sun and then once the bribe cheques have cashed moving it to winter. Only almost though, after all none of my judging panel would kill thousands of migrant workers. Something to mull over anyway, Sepp.

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