What on earth is happening in football? Hayden Shaw edition

Being asked to do anything where taking less than 90 seconds is the goal is great for me because, well, you get where that was going, I’m not going to spell it out for you because you’re clearly both bright and filthy enough to work it out.

On the subject of bright and filthy – Marc Muniesa – a bright young talent, has joined Stoke City – a bunch of filthy, cheating, hoofball bastards. I can imagine Charlie Adam is going to need a pint or two to get over the shock of Muniesa trying to pass it out to him from the back whilst Shawcross looks on in horror.

Jonjo Shelvey, who reminds me a little of the computer game (and awful film) character Hitman, but uglier, has joined Swansea in a move rumoured to be worth 2.5 Michus or 0.1 Fernando Torres. £5m to the uninitiated. Wages haven’t yet been disclosed but my sources (a guess) tells me it will be a lot of nurses and soldiers salaries per week. It’s an unusual move for Liverpool, a summer where they’ve bought players for roughly what they’re worth or slightly under, and sold for roughly their value or slightly higher. This is probably a hustle before they bid £20m for Francis Jeffers.

Thiago and Higuain are both still plying their trade in Spain, despite what seems like a year of being “about to sign” for Manchester United and Arsenal respectively. Luckily for everyone involved this means that the transfers have now been escalated to “sagas” with only days remaining before they move up again to “protracted sagas”.

Portsmouth have signed 9 players so far this summer, proving that you can take the Wheeler Dealer out of Pompey but you can’t take the Wheeling Dealing out of Pompey. Hopefully you can take the numpty with the bell out of the crowd though.

I happen to be one of those genius level people with a reading age around 13 so all of this has taken me like 3 seconds to read, but for the slower readers out there, this is your lot. Thank you and good day.

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