What happened today in football? Hayden Shaw edition

As I’m really busy/lazy tonight I sent out the call for a guest writer. Much like the average chat show host who lets a guest present whilst he’s on holiday, only to discover he’s been replaced on his return, I’ve been completely trumped by the superior writer this evening.

All credit must go to Hayden Shaw for this excellent post. Follow him on twitter now @elhaydo

In a move that hasn’t actually been news for weeks, Chelsea have secured the signing of Andre Schurrle – a player that depending on the commentator’s pronunciation could cause as much confusion to radio listeners as Nicky Butt (“Cole, Lampard, Schurrle” “Surely WHAT?”) and for Naked Gun fans provoke spontaneous bouts of “Don’t call me Shirley”. In other news he’s young, talented, German and a wide forward, something that Chelsea are currently short of.

Juventus are the latest club to be linked with the humanitarian move of freeing Carlos Tevez from his oppressive £6m per year salary at City, with the striker rumoured to be willing to take a pay cut if it gets him to a city with some sun and more than two restaurants. Talk of Wayne Rooney being reunited with Tevez in Turin turned out to be a misunderstanding as the club’s nickname is The Old Lady.

Real Madrid have replaced an ego-maniac with a Bond Villain look-a-like in the form of Carlo Ancelotti, who is in turn replaced by Laurent Blanc. Blanc’s appointment appears to have been the hold up in Ancelotti joining up with Madrid, with PSG wanting a replacement in place first. Rumours that Blanc was not first choice for the job suggest that their HR department took more time than expected to see through the deception and slightly racist “foreign spelling” in “Sam Allardycé’s covering letter.

Gerrard Kinsella has been banned for two years after testing positive for anabolic steroids. The fact that he took performance enhancing drugs and still played for Fleetwood Town is one of the more depressing things this blog has heard, but it at least suggests that technique is ever so slightly more important than raw physicality – someone should probably tell Stuart Pearce.

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